Orange Vanilla Bean Rice Pudding

I have Good News and Bad News, though it's still unclear which is which. I don't really want to share any of it with anyone but I can't see a way around it, so I'm trying a rip-the-band-aid-off approach:

I'm having a baby in 15 weeks or so and I am a single mother, again.

There is a part of me that wants to explain, to you - to friends - to family. I want to tell my story, offer my defense, clarify everything to everyone. It's impossible though, of course. And what it really comes down to, as in every marriage/divorce/loss, it is a necessarily private heartbreak, and yet a decidedly public humiliation.

In the end, there isn't much I can or want to say to anyone. It seems that many people will form their own opinions and judgments independent of my actual experiences and explanations, and I will inevitably feel misunderstood. So, there is no story I can tell.

Lately, I feel like after all that has happened in my life I have arrived at a place where I am in fact None the Wiser. It is a crushing feeling to meet failure in its dark corner once again. I am overwhelmed by the burden of the uncertain future ahead of me.

And yet there is still something I know with certainty, a little wisdom after all.

I know that sometimes it is impossible to hope, but there is always something to be grateful for. I can't always find the positive or see the silver lining, but a little gratitude can carry a lot of weight when hope crumbles.

I am scared. I am humiliated. I am heartbroken. But, I am grateful. I am grateful for my beautiful children, for my faith, for my family, for the friends that I know will offer support and encouragement without judgment. I am grateful, which is how I know everything will be okay in the end.

So, here I am. At the end. At the beginning. Stuck in the middle of it all. And the most I can do with all of it right now is offer Rice Pudding. Orange Vanilla Bean Rice Pudding, to be precise, because it is my comfort food of choice. I am a very, very firm believer in the healing properties of quality comfort food. It's no small thing.

This particular rice pudding makes all the difference to me on a painfully dark day. Should you ever find yourself facing an uncertainty, a loss, a heartbreak, a crushing blow, a heavy burden, perhaps you too may find comfort in a warm bowl of pudding.

Ingredients

¾ cup Basmati rice

1 ½ cups water

¼ teaspoon salt

3 cups whole milk

1 cup heavy whipping cream

½ cup sugar

½ vanilla bean, split lengthwise

2 teaspoons orange zest

3 drops orange essential oil (like doTerra)

Directions

In a large saucepan, bring rice, water, and salt to a boil over high heat. Reduce heat and simmer covered until water is absorbed, about 10 minutes. Add milk, cream, sugar. Scrape in seeds from vanilla bean, then add bean. Stir in zest and orange oil. Return to a boil and simmer uncovered over low heat, stirring occasionally, for approximately 45 minutes, or until the rice is thick, creamy, and pudding-like. Remove bean and serve warm or chilled. Garnish with orange zest. Can be made ahead and refrigerated for up to 2 days. Serves 4 to 6.

Recipe adapted from Molly Wizenberg